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Dog Day Dimp, by P F Clayfield
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As a one-armed dwarf who fainted from light-headedness whenever sexy thoughts caused blood to flow into his oversized member, David Ignatius Montgomery Parker didn't have much going for him. But what he did possess however was a remarkable propensity to affect those he came into contact with in a way that was, in some cases, life changing - and in others, life terminating! Zelda, an ageing more or less ex-prostitute; Father James, a catholic priest with a crisis of faith; wanabee doctor, Arnold Smith; Charlie Mason, a greasy, greedy night club owner with a regular toilet habit; local gangster, Eddie Carter; TV chat show hosts Dick and Trudy; hulking man-child, daft Ernie and two mature ladies of the night all come under the influence of the little Manchester United fan who's dream in life was to become the world's first five foot tall one-armed professional goalie (he seriously over-estimated his final height). AND IT WASN'T JUST THE HUMANS! If only they could talk, Benji, the ratty Maltese terrier, Fred, the constipated python and Phoebe, the drugged up leopard would certainly have something to moan about!
- Published on: 2015-04-15
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.00" h x .88" w x 5.00" l, .84 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 350 pages
Most helpful customer reviews
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
...had me chuckling all the way through...a great fun read!
By Peter Clayfield
Reviewed by Yvonne Cawley - Manchester Salon
This book is set in and around East Manchester in England and tells the tale of one David Ignatius Montgomery Parker (or DIMP for short); a one-armed, Manchester United Fan, who is a Dwarf who happens to play goalie for the Beswick Reds pub soccer team - and a pretty good one he is too. We see DIMP meandering through life somewhat oblivious to what others see as his shortcomings - the hand that life has dealt him - and it is only the `one hand' as the other was bitten off by a dog! As I progressed through the book you see how other people see DIMP, as having disabilities and this gives them license to either take advantage or make allowances as they see fit. This doesn't seem to bother DIMP and as long as he has his beer and fags he seems pretty happy with his lot. He is even subjected to a bit of `Dwarf Throwing' and apart from a couple of bruises, he himself doesn't appear too bothered as he gets some free drinks and a bit of money from it, so he's happy!
The Prologue sets the scene beautifully and adds a helpful list of `Mancspeak' words for those living in Wilmslow, Chelmsford, Tunbridge Wells (or much further affield) to help them understand the text! Originating from Salford myself, I giggled at most of the words especially as I can actually hear myself saying them!
I really enjoyed this book, which had me chuckling all the way through and I loved the way in which it explored the relationships between the different characters and the descriptions of the hilarious scrapes that DIMP found him self in. The array of `characters' that intermingle with his daily life are colourful and alive to say the least. There is Zelda, an ex-prostitute, who is his girlfriend, come mother, come employer. She appears to have a rather complex relationship with DIMP. She is always giving him hell, but is fiercely protective of him but then sometimes is happy to use him whilst keeping her hand in by `entertaining' one special client, Arnold Smith; a would-be Doctor. In order to earn beer and fag money, DIMP joins in the role playing as the rather reluctant patient and is subjected to various examinations and a bit of pill popping (normally smarties but on one occasion something a little more `up lifting' - but I won't spoil it for you). The relationship she has with DIMP seems complex and I think he is perhaps the son she never had.
She is very protective on one hand but also exploits him too. When DIMP is subject to a bit of media interest she is the one who negotiates the fees and speaks on his behalf, making sure she gets the best deal but then at the same time she wants DIMP to be aware that with all this media attention he may become a laughing stock. He is happy to just go ahead and get on the `Dick & Trudy Show', but Zelda obviously doesn't have the faith in DIMP to make his own impression with the viewers and automatically fears the worst, giving the impression that this is how she sees him too! Her protective nature however comes to the fore when she negotiates a part in a porn movie for him, where she makes sure he's treated fairly. DIMP then gets roped into a bit of drug running (although he is blissfully unaware of this at the time) which all ends with hilarious consequences.
Money is important to Zelda and although DIMP's new found fame is a potential `gravy train' she appears to be genuinely concerned for his well-being and what fame could bring along with it not wanting him to become a laughing stock - ever the protective mother.
DIMP teases and taunts his friend `Daft Ernie', a hulking guy who is a `bit soft in the head', about past indiscretions with young girls, and you get the feeling that this is the natural `pecking' order as Ernie is an easy target for DIMP, making him feel like the big man for once. You also have local gangsters and Father James, a KAFFLIC priest who is having a crisis of faith and unbeknown to DIMP, something which he helps sort out after the priest confesses to having lustful feelings for his housekeeper. I got the impression that under normal circumstances Father James would not bare his soul to anyone other than a fellow priest, but wonder if he views our DIMP as a childlike figure, not seeing him as an adult or equal who is ready to judge him, which makes the confession so easy. Oh and not to forget a constipated python and a drugged up leopard!
I loved this book and it was a great fun read. For me it was the added bonus of the setting being in Manchester, mentioning places I know or have heard about and little bits of nostalgia like the `green painted rotting benches' - I remember them as a kid, picking at the rotting wood. Well, we never had computers or `Facebook' in them days! Nice one our kid!
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